Dear Bryce,

It has been two days since you were born, and I still am having trouble accepting that you are gone. Your Daddy and I love you very, very much. Everyone loves you and is so sad that they don't get to meet you.

We are meeting with a local Rabbi this morning to discuss your burial arrangements. I know I will find comfort in the fact that you will be somewhere that I can visit you, but all I want is you in my arms. I feel like I didn't spend enough time with you in the hospital. I wish I had held you longer. I wish I had kissed your forehead. I don't know why I didn't, and I am so sorry. I should have been less selfish. I was just so sad that you are dead. I didn't think. I was also scared to look at you too closely, as I knew both your Daddy and I would have broken down completely at the sight of how tiny you were. I already knew the nurse would take pictures of you, and I thought that would be enough for me. It's not.

I want to hold your little hand again. I didn't count your toes. It was so hard to find out that you have your daddy's mouth and chin. You were supposed to be his little buddy, a little boy who would follow him around and want to be just like him. You have his hands too.

I miss you, and I am so sorry that I failed you. I am sorry that my body was not the safe haven that it should have been. Being your mother was the best thing I have ever done, and I am sorry that I wasn't good enough at it. I am most sorry for the fact that you were punished for whatever my transgressions were. I love you with every fiber of my being and I wish you were still here.

Your daddy misses you more than words can say. You know how much he loved you; you always did your happy dance when he spoke to you. He is taking care of me, which I know I don't deserve. I wish he was taking care of you. I wish there was a way that I could have switched with you so you could meet him and see how wonderful he is.

I am sorry that I was scared of labor. It was selfish of me. Giving birth to you is something I will never forget. I wish that you were home with us now, in the crib we got for you. Daddy does too.

I want you back. I would give anything to have you back, but G-d isn't listening. I hope that you are with all four of your great grandmothers in heaven. I love you, forever.